Advice For Clientel

Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.  –  Wilson Mizner

In a reply to my column of August 17th, I gave Black Hole of Genf a little advice on dealing with professionals, and I would like to talk about that subject at length today.  There are a number of essays and lists of “dos and don’ts” for escort clients available on the internet, but I don’t think it hurts to add another one because it gives a broader view of what different working girls consider important.  This is not a list of my personal pet peeves, but rather commonsense advice and warnings against behaviors I know annoy most whores rather than those which just annoy me in particular.

Don’t ask rude, stupid, pointless or prying questions, or those to which you don’t really want to know the answer.

This could almost be a column by itself; day after day we’re asked the same questions which one would think men would have better sense than to ask, but obviously don’t.  My own pet peeve is, “Are you clean?”  Now, think about this for a minute; do you honestly think an expensive call girl won’t be?  And if you’re dealing with a streetwalker, do you honestly think she’ll tell you the truth if she isn’t?  Just keep your eyes open and be as scrupulous as we are with condoms and you won’t have to waste your time with this rude and pointless question.  Then there’s, “What’s your real name?”  If she wanted you to have it, don’t you think she would’ve given it to you?  Again, both rude and pointless.

If you live in a police state where our trade is suppressed (such as the US), a number of questions fall into this category, such as the amazingly stupid, “Are you a cop?”  This derives from the myths about undercover cops (largely spread by druggies) which claim that there is some magic formula for detecting them.  Nothing could be farther from the truth; a cop can lie, cheat, misrepresent himself, bring up the subject of sex first, take his socks off, or even shag a girl to completion and still bust her, and it won’t ruin his case one atom because even if there were rules of this sort (which there aren’t), he would just perjure himself and claim he didn’t do whatever it was he wasn’t supposed to do.  If the streetwalker you’re trying to pick up claims she isn’t a cop, the statement is worth exactly what it cost her to make:  Zero.  Another such question is, “Is this legal?”  How the hell is the girl supposed to answer that?  I mean really!  “No, I’m a criminal?”  All this question does is to make her uncomfortable and to cause her to wonder if she’s being taped.  An even worse (and unfortunately far more common) one is, “What do I get for my money?”  If a girl ever answers this question with anything more specific than, “You get an hour of my time,” you should suspect that you’re being taped because no experienced girl worth the money would ever say anything else.

The last category includes such questions as, “How many men have you seen today?” or “Are you married?” or “Has anyone ever hurt you?”  Maybe the real answers would turn you on, but they might also turn you off, and your escort has no way of knowing which.  You might very well think you want to know the answer, and then change your mind when you hear it.  So it’s best to avoid these kinds of questions in the first place, and if you ask something which the girl seems not to want to answer don’t press the issue.

Be clean.

Just that simple; give a professional the same respect you would give an amateur.  Take a shower, shave, brush your teeth and cut your fingernails.  Change into clean clothes and refrain from smoking in her presence unless she is also a smoker or has ashtrays available to signify it’s OK.  If you’re uncircumcised, clean the area under your foreskin thoroughly, and if you have any sort of skin condition please clean it properly and let her know what it is as soon as you disrobe.  And if you see even the slightest sign of any kind of sexually transmitted disease, please seek medical attention immediately and do not even attempt to hire a girl until your doctor pronounces you clear!

Employ normal good manners.

I know proper etiquette is less common than it used to be, but c’mon guys, this isn’t rocket science.  Just try to remember all the things Mommy taught you; ask rather than demanding, say “thank you” at the end, answer the door in at least a bathrobe, take off your hat when a woman is in the room, etc. You’ll be surprised how much of a difference it makes in your experience.

Remember that we are businesswomen and that this is our business.

You wouldn’t make a cashier have to ask for her money, and you shouldn’t make us ask either; different girls want the money handed over in different ways, but we all want it up front.  Also, you wouldn’t expect a plumber, exterminator or other professional to “hang out” with you off the clock after the job for which he was contracted was done.  Good call girls try to create an exciting illusion for you; don’t destroy it by forcing us to remind you that we’re there for the money.

Be where you say you’re going to be when you say you’re going to be there.

If you’re going to an incall, try to be on time and call if you’ll be more than five minutes late; if the girl is coming to you, don’t leave to go to the store, the ice machine, the front desk or the ATM when you expect her any minute.  You should have done those things long before; if there is a real emergency just call to tell her so she can delay arriving for the time it will take you to get back.  And if there’s a substantial delay which is your fault rather than hers, please don’t be an ass if she cuts the session a bit short; she may have other appointments and she didn’t force you to arrive half an hour later than expected.  Finally, if you get cold feet please call to cancel, and if she’s already on the way just face her like a man and pay her cancellation fee ($50 is fairly typical for a call girl); she may have turned down other appointments to keep yours, and it isn’t her fault you misplaced your balls at the last minute.

If receiving a date at your home or office, provide basic necessities.

One would think this would be obvious, but one would be wrong.  A man who would never invite a social date or a business contact to a place without furniture, running water, air conditioning or heat may think nothing of inviting a business date to such a place.  Here’s a word of advice, guys:  Next time, use the $300 to buy a bed or air conditioner or have water installed, or else find a place which already has those things.

Don’t have anyone there who isn’t participating.

You may simply want to show your friends the choice bit of tail you’re about to enjoy, but she may find it very threatening to have a door opened to a room full of guys, even if they immediately file out as soon as she arrives.  I’ve left calls (with the money) because drunk and/or obnoxious frat boys or convention attendees keep banging on the door, ringing the phone or trying to take my picture through the crack allowed before the chain stops the door, and so would any other girl with a particle of common sense or an iota of self-esteem.  Arrange your liaisons when your friends won’t be around, or if others will be there ask if it’s OK up front (as in the case of a bachelor party).  Also, I really don’t care if your son or daughter is “too young to understand”; hire your whores on weekends when you don’t have visitation, or at least find a babysitter for the time you need.  We’re not monsters without maternal instincts out of Victorian propaganda, so having a child in the next room is very uncomfortable for many of us.

Don’t try to turn her into a criminal.

If you ask her to bring drugs, she’ll probably just hang up on you because cops love to get two busts for the price of one.  And don’t ask her to tell the agency you cancelled, then come to see you anyhow; not only is this dangerous for her since nobody will know where she is, but also puts her job at risk because the agency will fire her the second they find out she’s stealing calls.

Keep your fingers outside of her body.

As I said in my column of August 16th, the average professional strongly dislikes having dirty, rough, bumpy fingers forcibly inserted (often without warning or lubrication) into her vagina, anus or even mouth.  Even surgically clean fingers with nails trimmed down to the quick can be terribly uncomfortable, and once the man starts to wriggle them around violently it can become acutely painful.  If you have a fetish for this please ask if it’s OK before doing it, and abide by whatever answer you get.

Don’t even ask to go without a condom.

Even though we hear it all the time, it doesn’t mean it isn’t annoying or even infuriating.  If you want a whore to think of you as an imbecile or a fool, “Do I have to use a condom?” is the most effective way.  If you want to insult her at the same time, opt for “How much to do it without a condom?” instead.

Respect her limits.

Just because you’ve hired a girl to do a job does not make her your slave.  If she tells you she doesn’t “speak Greek”, don’t try to penetrate her anally.  If she is uncomfortable with some fetish you didn’t bother to warn her about, leave it alone.  If she doesn’t want to give you her home telephone number or let you take her picture, drop the subject.  A professional is not some naive schoolgirl you can seduce into doing something against her will; all you’re going to accomplish is annoying her and wasting the time you paid for, and if she feels threatened enough she will leave and you will be out your money with nothing to show for i

Above all else, just apply common sense and common courtesy; scour every trace of the Madonna/whore duality and the myth of the wanton out of your mind and treat a prostitute as you would treat any other businesswoman and you can’t go very wrong.  You’ll be the kind of client professionals like to see rather than the kind we dread, and you’ll find your experience is much more rewarding and fulfilling because of it.